As I looked out the window into the street and saw the numerous cars illuminating the night, I felt strangely cosmopolitan, and very alone. The wind passed by and I heard a memory whisper to me as if from another lifetime. I breathed in and what I expelled was more than hot breath; it was life in its purest form. I stood there, unaware of my surroundings, suddenly caught in the enormousness of the turmoil happening inside me. I could conquer the world, really I could. In truth, life can be narrowed down into being an extremely simple matter. The orange glow of the sky gave me power, and the lights of the buildings provided me with a kind of courage so inexplicable only the spirits present for that split second of revelation could have understood me. I saw through the bars of the window and I felt my inner struggle with life. I remembered the countless times of losing hope in the life and the many times of wanting to give up on it altogether. I had no idea what direction my rally for life was heading. I led a relatively healthy existence; I was well fed, well clothed, well loved, did almost everything I pleased, and enjoyed the liberties not everyone had a chance of enjoying. What scared me the most was not knowing what I was really looking for.
There were times when I felt that I lived only for the time in space between dreams and reality, where I could float within them. Even if sadness was all humanity had, I would still cling to it. And at that point, I started to appreciate all the small, meaningful things in life, and I found myself being able to see what was beneath the face of everything. The more I advanced in life, the more the mystery increased. In my reflection, I saw myself, only myself. I was none of the special person I promised myself ages ago I would be and none of the extraordinary prodigy I dreamed about, just a bag of confused junk. The mirror stared back and I asked who I was. I asked what Life was exactly. I stood once more for a long time. The moment I turned away I knew there would never be an answer to that question. I left some part of myself behind that thing, and oddly, I felt at peace with myself, with the mirror, with the world.
Life is something so intangible, it can never be defined. It is just like the dust that passes before my eyes. All I can do is just look at it, but I can never keep it with me forever. It is never one hundred percent mine. Life travels and, as it does, it lets itself be felt through mysterious ways. It's something so cosmic, it rules in a world of its own.
Kristel is currently involved in her family business.
No comments:
Post a Comment